When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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