i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
