Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
