I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
