Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
