She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
