i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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