i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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