I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
