Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
