I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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