So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
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Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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