Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
