It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
