I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
