First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
