I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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