Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
