This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need to calm my uterus...
Someone signed my nipple.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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