I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
