we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
