I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
