I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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