I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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