I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
