it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
there's paper in my vomit.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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