I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.