I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
