You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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