All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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