I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
