peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
