you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
