I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
