The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
false alarm. still invincible.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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