I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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