brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
