ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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