we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
