if only i could text you this smell
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
