I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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