I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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