I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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