What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
