i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
