Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
