I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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