why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
