Did I show you my penis last night?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
