is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
