i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
