I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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