no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
