I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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