I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
