why do cheetos always look like penises
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
