Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
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There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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