i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
