Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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