Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
