peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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